Love is Not Enough – Love Always Wins

“In time of crisis we turn to our spouses and think about how important they are, and certainly, Tu B’Av is a time to think in a more joyous way of making our relationships, marriages, and love a priority.” 

This was the message conveyed by internationally acclaimed marriage expert Professor Howard Markman in a past Tu B’Av Date Night lecture. In fact, he continued, “We all dream of a lifetime love and a lifetime successful marriage and for good reason, as people live longer when they are in a healthy stable relationship, we earn more money, our kids do better, the companies we work for make more money, so it is good for the community and country that we do all we can to have strong and healthy marriages.[1]”

Come and join our Zoom I-PREP workshop with a special appearance by Sivan Rahav Meir Click here to register

Tu B’Av has been declared by our sages as the greatest festival of the year, with Yom Kippur a close second – and the theme of marriage and matchmaking goes back to the days when the unmarried girls in Jerusalem went out to dance in the vineyards searching for their soulmate. When we think about Tu B’Av and its theme of LOVE, one must wonder what is the criteria for selection of a mate for life – is it love at first sight? And what is love?

According to the Lubavitcher Rebbe, “Love is not that overwhelming blinding emotion that is portrayed in romance novels. Love is an emotion that increases in strength throughout life. It is sharing and caring and respecting one another. The love that you feel as a young couple is only the beginning of real love. It is through the small, everyday acts of living together that love flourishes and grows.[2]”

Extensive scholarly research conducted by Professor Markman and his colleagues at the University of Denver on couples just starting out shows that no matter how we measure love, love does not predict the future of the relationship. This empirically means that “love is NOT enough.” It is necessary, but NOT sufficient for a happy relationship. In fact, the factor that does predict how couples will do over time is not ROMANTIC at all. Research shows that how couples manage conflict and negative emotions is the biggest predictor. The good news is that proper marriage education can give the foundation for a LOVE that Will Always Win. Many couples just assume that they will know what to do once they get married, but most of what goes wrong inside a marriage comes down to never having learned the skills and principles associated with successful relationships.

How can a couple or individual learn these skills and principles to help make a marriage work? Taking a marriage education course teaches couples skills that will strengthen their relationship and prevent negative behaviors that may cause problems and breakdown.

For example, a couple will learn how to speak to each other more effectively in a structured way, and to listen to each other better. Discover and discuss potential issues, how to protect your friendship, show respect for one another and problem solve.

One such course offered by the B’Yachad B’Osher/Together in Happiness organization in Israel, is I-PREP, based on the scientifically proven marriage education program Prevention Relationship Education Program (PREP). Long-term studies show that couples that have participated in PREP courses are much less likely to get divorced and more likely to live happier lives.

Couples who invest in their marriage by completing a marriage education course have described it as the best gift that they can give to each other. Don’t you think that our modern-day maidens and their “soul mates” deserve the education to make their LOVE A WIN so that generations will be the beneficiaries?

Come and join our Zoom I-PREP workshop in English (simultaneous translation to Hebrew)  for engaged and newlyweds (up to two years) co-hosted by the City of Beit Shemesh,  with a special appearance by Sivan Rahav Meir on Tuesday, September 15, 2020. Seats are limited so reserve your space NOW by clicking here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Susan Barth is founder and director of Israeli non profit Together in Happiness/B'Yachad B'Osher, promoting stronger, healthier marriages impacting Israeli society. Susan sponsored and chaired the First International Conference on Marriage Education in Israel (attended by over 360 professionals) in Jerusalem in memory of her parents and launched I-PREP, an innovative marriage education curriculum. On November 8, 2017, Together in Happiness co-hosted with MK Yehudah Glick a historic Knesset seminar promoting government support for pre-marriage education.

[1] Tu B’Av lecture by Professor Howard Markman, Tmol Shilshom, Jerusalem

[2] A Happy Home, The Lubavitcher Rebbe On Marital Harmony Chapter 1 p. 15